There’s a concerted effort to make straight, white men like me perpetuspanlly spanngry.

In case you’re not paying attention, guys are constantly reminded that we are the victims of diversity, feminism and what has generally come to be known as “wokeness.”

Here in Floridspan, Gov. Ron DeSspanntis plays the role of civil rights leader for us beleaguered straight, white males. This takes many forms. 

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NHL skating on thin ice in Florida over diversity push

Most recently, the perpetual DeSantis campaign took credit for scuttling a National Hockey League job fair next month in South Florida that had been directed at recruiting “diverse job seekers who are pursuing careers in hockey.”

“NHL: You are officially on notice about your planned events in Florida,” DeSantis’ political spokesperson Christina Pushaw tweeted. “Unlawful discrimination will not be tolerated.”

Yes, it’s high time for white guys to have a presence in ice hockey. We will not be taking any seats in the back of the Zamboni. 

DeSantis isn’t alone in orchestrating manufactured consternation. Last week, U.S. Rep. Jim Banks from Indiana announced he will be forming the first-ever “Anti-Woke Caucus” in the U.S. House of Representatives to fight what he called “the greatest threat to America today.”

Sheesh. I had no idea. 

It’s hard to keep track of all the efforts to make me feel angry. The latest one involves M&M’s candy. Seriously. 

Attention insecure males: Feminism alert on candy aisle

The candy maker Mars announced last week a promotion to honor women in advance of International Women’s Day on March 8.

To do that, the candy maker will offer bags of M&M’s in packages that say “Supporting Women: Flipping the Status Quo.” The bags feature the cartoon images of its “female brand mascots” — the green and brown M&M — along with a recently added purple M&M, which symbolizes “acceptance and inclusivity.” 

“Women all over the world are flipping how they define success and happiness while challenging the status quo, so we’re thrilled to be able to recognize and celebrate them — and who better to help us on that mission than our own powerhouse spokescandies Green, Brown and Purple?” a company spokesperson explained.

The candy company is donating $1 to a women-empowering organization for each women-themed package of M&M’s sold. 

I know what you’re thinking: What’s a “spokescandy,” and should I feel threatened by one? It turns out some of my fellow straight, white men have been working hard to persuade me that I have been victimized by the lack of our own M&M’s color.

Men seeking candy equality find their voice

Political commentator Nick Adams released a viral video that calls for a boycott against the candy maker for its effort to celebrate women by creating “feminist M&M’s” and not creating, what he called, an “all-male package” of M&Ms.

(Side note: An “all-male package” of candy gives new meaning to the words “junk food.”) 

“Any male that buys a package of M&M’s from this day forward must hand in their man card because they are a soft, woke, beat up, male feminist who has serious, serious problems,” Adams said. “Until M&M rectifies this grave wrong, by giving us all-male M&M’s, this boycott will remain. 

“We will not stand for this at all,” he sspanid on the video, before stomping on a bag of M&M’s.

I find this all very confusing. When were these “man cards” distributed? I just have a Costco card. And as for the all-male M&M’s, I assume we’re not counting the ones with nuts?

At first, I thought Adams was just auditioning as a comic but then I remembered Tucker Carlson devoting extensive air time on Fox News last year to complain when the female green M&M’s footwear on the packaging was changed from knee-high boots (which Carlson called “sexy”) to sneakers.

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” Carlson said. “Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.”

Wow, not only am I so far behind on taking umbrage over the color of M&M’s, and the lack of a “male package” of those candies. But I also had no idea that I should be pining for a drink with a female M&M? 

I expect that the Anti-Woke Caucus in Congress will be tackling this, and that DeSantis will be looking into removing feminized M&M’s from Florida’s freedom shelves. 

In the meantime, where are real men supposed to turn for their alpha-male candy needs? 

Kit Kat sounds way too girlie. Twix sounds trans, and Milk Duds, well, that’s a testosterone killer.

And you know it’s only a matter of time before the Three Musketeers become the Three Musketpersons?

In the meantime, we straight, white men will continue to squeak by somehow, as we fight the field-leveling headwinds of inclusivity, equality and diversity.

We shall over-react.